Settlement - I love getting mail. I know, that's a strange thing for a 31 year old man to say, especially when lit by recent episodes of forgetting to open letters and cards I've received, and even had conversations with people about things contained in the cards, which I didn't know I received, making me feel like a heel for not thanking them until three weeks later.

But I really do love it. No, not bills and credit card applications, but cards, letters, "time for your cleaning" reminders from the dentist. They're great, and I even have a good time trying to come up with a way to open them with the least or the most possible damage inflicted upon the envelope as possible, depending on my mood (generally "most").

What's better still is last week I got the second, and larger, of two settlement checks for a class action lawsuit against Citibank that I didn't even know I was a part of until last November. I have dreams of marching into the bank, proudly presenting my check and asking if I can have this windfall as two nickles and eight pennies. No, no. Thirteen pennies and one nickle. I could go to the check cashing joint on the corner and see them try to claim their 1% (the best rate in town!). I like the thought that the amount the bank will pay the teller in salary to cash this puppy is far more than the cost of the check itself, not forgetting of course, the fact that postage is now more than twice what this thing is worth. Oh, it's good to dream.

Dreams often don't come true, though. As I was endorsing it, I flipped back to the front so I could be sure I match my signature up with the version of my name they used. Middle name? Middle initial? No mention at all of the whole hidden Larry side of my personality? In the memo section, was a note, not anything like "375,000 spiders," "One ton of steel wool," "Liquid Gefilte Fish," or any of the other things I've written in that part on my payment checks to the IRS over the years. Instead the check delcared, "Please cash promply [sic]; this check is void if not cashed by March 15, 2004." I looked at the date. March 28.

Back in middle class reality. No windfall for me. I guess I'll just do with this one what I did with the four cent one from a couple months back. Watch your mail, Hollander.