Invisible

I've lost the will to be hot.
San Francisco, California - January 2005

It happened again today.

Over the last year or so, starting when I went to New York for a wedding last summer, I've been having trouble staying, well, visible.

I know, I know. If you're male you're probably saying, "So, find yourself a gym, go into the women's locker room, and stop complaining," but it's not that simple. I only wish it was as easy as saying some magic words, trying really hard, doing the best I can, and becoming invisible. In fact, it's been just the opposite. I'd be going about my day, actually doing my best to NOT become invisible, figuring there are times in which it's best to be able to be seen by as many people as possible, and still, invisible. I don't mean it's best to be seen by lots of people in that same old, "HEY, LOOK AT ME!!! I CAN SWALLOW FIRE AT A BOWLING ALLEY!!!" way, not that I've done that. What I mean is, it's sometimes good to be able to be seen, for instance, when you're carrying a bowl of soup or are surrounded by crazed shopping cart pushers in a supermarket.

But here's what's been happening.

July 2004: Standing still outside a store on 5th avenue in New York, a hurried woman walks into me, causes me to drop my backpack, and tells me to watch where I'm going.

December 2004: Shopping for lunch at the Trader Joe's in Emeryville, againm, stopped trying to decide which was the best bottle of cheap wine to go with my sandwich, a woman plunges her empty shopping cart into my left leg. "Watch where you're going!"

January 2005: At the Emeryville Public Market, just as I was leaning in to lift my fresh bowl of wonton soup off the counter, woman number decides the best place for her curry to go is on my sweater. Fortunately, the box doesn't open, even as it plummets to the floor. Still, the woman insists I walked into her, and demands I buy her a new lunch, though nothing spilled. Seems more like a bit of buyer's remorse than anything else. Wonton cashier backs me up. I do not buy woman new lunch.

Today: On the way back from the Public Market, at the corner of 64th & Christie, a well-mustachioed man who should just accept the fact that he's simply not a run of the mill "large" anymore, walked headlong into me. "Watch where you're going," he instructed me.

The real trouble here, I think, is not the fact that I've been turning invisible at all these odd times, but my inabilty to remain invisilbe for a safe amount of time afterward. My becoming visible again immediately after being walked into is, probably the entire root of all of the my navigational trouble.

There's got to be a way to harness this power, for good or for evil. I don't care. But, dammit, I'm going to find it.